We got a telly and he came through. I might as well be honest. I wish he would have smelled good. He didn’t smell bad but I wish he would have smelled like something ya know. he was so cute though. he has a girlfriend who is five months pregnant. I thought he would be single and cute and innocent. Nah he was a freak. He liked to make eye contact a lot and he wasn’t shy. we fucked like 3 times. he busts fast but he made up for it going three times.

The first time he sucked my breasts and then was like Do I like that? I was like Yeah. I was being all nervous cause I already told him I was nervous, so he said he would start out. He said it was going to be fun cause I was all shy and nervous. Then he asked me if I was ready. i told him yeah. He put the condom on and dove up in that shit.My hands were cold so I didn’t really want to touch him, but he was like you can touch me baby, it’s ok. I did a little but not that much. He is so small compared to me, really skinny. Then after awhile he busts in my mouth. I had gum in my mouth and he wanted me to suck him while he nutted. I couldn’t. I almost threw up and I had to spit that shit OUT. That was nasty.

Then we talked for a little while and he got a phone call. He was on the phone. He wanted me to suck him while he was on the phone. So of course I did. He was making some noises but not really,  he was still holding down his convo pretty good. He told dude on the phone that he was getting some fool ass dome right now. That shit turned me on. My head must be the bomb cause every guy says that. It’s amazing cause I hate sucking dick. Anyways when he got off the phone he told me my shit was crazy good. And wanted me to suck him back hard. So I did. He put the condom and and told me to bend over. So I bent over the bed and let him hit it from the back. He was like you said you could dance let me see you shake dat ass. SO I shoke that ass on the dick for him as best as I could. I was soo freaking nervous.

I don’t remember how we got turned facing the mirror but we did. He was fucking me from the back hard and good. He said he was gone be too soft or too hard, he was gone rock me right. He kept talking bout do I like his dick.  This dallas dick this and that. He told me to look in the mirror. I was like NOOOO. OMG I know my hair looked a mess. He smacked my ass hard and said look in the mirror so you can remember who you fucking. You gone memeber this one night shit? You only got it for one night look at me. SO I looked at him and he was fucking me with a serious sexy face on. Then he told me to put my hands up on the mirror. He was going deep and hard but he would stop. HE told me put my hands on that mirror and don’t move. He was like you ready. I was like yea. He was like you ready? YEA! And he pound that shit. Just one hard stroke. Shit was cool. If he was going to deep and I tried to put my hand on his leg he’d smack my ass and tell me put my hands back up. He smacked me so hard I had a wept mark. Whatever it’s called. It still burns so good.

I know I rode him for a little bit and did some other shit but that night was cool. I enjoyed him. Before he left I was all sad. Giving him the puppy dogs and he said he had to go so he could get some sleep cause he had to be on the road soon to go do a show. He got dressed and told me to come give him a hug while he hit me with a pillow. And he asked if I enjoyed myself I said yea. I text him and asked him the same and he replied HELL YEAH. He told me before he left that I had to lock up what we did and throw it away. Never talk about it to anyone. I only told my friends but they ain’t nobody so yea. OMG. What a crazy fun night.

After he left I couldn’t sleep. The room was paid for and it was nice, so I scooped my babies and went back and we all slept together cause I didn’t want to be alone. Good time good times. I must not tell man man cause he said he would be mad if I fucked him. He doesn’t know I been done fucked a few niggas. But I am done. I want to abstain from sex for awhile.

Oh I forgot he told me to yell out I like DALLAS DICK lol and he wanted me to say his name, which I can’t say cause it’s a secret. ahhhhhh *le sigh*

I was talking to my friend about his brother. His brother is super sexy, tall, dark, chocolate and mmmm good looking. He was like well fine, I been trying to get the booty, but if you want to give it up to him. I was like hmmm. Last time I hung with this dude, he brought his “chick” she pissed me off and ruined my night so I was like yea, I’ma fuck him.

I did. He was strong, not a big one, but he was working it. Had I not had pressure going on I am sure we would have had amazing sex. Anyways I just had to kind of get that out there now I am going to wait and maybe type more later.

So I get ready and get the kids ready, and leave and then I forgot something. So I come back home to silence. All the loud shit is off and people are playing their music and tvs at normal tones. they get on my fucking nerves. I swear Ican’t go more then two weeks without something pissing me off. Not to mention I don’t have M to talk to. I think I need to start blogging. I gave it up because no one comes through and I don’t get any feedback but I need to get this out somewhere.

So Drock is getting out in a few months. I wrote him a letter telling him how excited I was and how I can’t wait to see him. THREE WEEKS AGO.  He hasn’t even wrote me back. Whatever. I am going to get a P.O. Box so my mom can’t control my mail no more. Bitch getting on my fucking nerves with that shit already.

They put a deadbolt on their door now, why I have no clue. They claim my kids mess up their room, when really my dad just doesn’t want me in his bathroom.They are so fucking petty. Two bathrooms in the house and I can only use one. And the nasty one at that with my brother. I feel like they are upset I am moving and not handling it well. I am going to be ok though because I know how to deal. KIND OF.

He was like oh mixed up this and that. So I was like ok fine. I took my shit off and he took his off. And he got on top. Well it felt good, but it was still awkward cause he’s bigger then I like them. I never had sex with someone as big as him. SO I didn’t really know how to hold him, plus I hate squishy men. Anyways shit was cool. He asked me to kiss him and he was doing some open mouth shit. It was ok. Then he bust. WE ain’t even sex that long. So he got another condom but he wanted me to suck him back hard. I didn’t want to be too loud cause I know how niggas are, they were probably listening at the door and shit lol. So we tried again and I got on top but his shit wasn’t super hard, he was gonna hit it from the back, but then someone knocked on the door and said I needed to move my car. So it was a wrap. I left. He told me my shit was good and he was tryna see me later. He told me to call him when I got off. I was like you be acting funny. He was like nah this and that. Well I called him and just as thought, he didn’t answer. I’m not surprised. I’m kinda mad but not really. I’m mad cause he owes me something really. I don’t know why I feel for his shit. His dick is ok, but it’s not the best cause shit is awkward. I don’t know. I wanted to write about this while it was still fresh on my mind. Maybe I will come back but atleast I got this off my chest.

I remember him asking me when the last time I had sex. I had to think. I told him awhile. But I remeber the last time I had sex was with him. And that was back during Thanksgiving time. So it’s been awhile.ahh well. i’m sitting here debating calling him or not. We’ll see though.

I was talking to my sister last night and we got into a discussion about our child hood.  She told me that my mom used to tell her that I hated her. While she was talking tears came to her eyes. Which brought tears to my eyes. She told me mom used to tell her all kinds of weird shit. And it all made sense. It made sense why we didn’t like each other growing up. It’s so crazy because my mom has always been jealous of our relationship. Why? I don’t know.

I did used to hate my sister and she hated me too, why? Because my mom turned us against each other. I could be mad at my mom. I could even totally not like her. Why waste the time and energy. Instead I will just use the time me and my sister have together and try to build us a relationship. I often look at other normal or seemingly normal families and wish I could be close to my sister and brother the way they are close. I don’t know what that feels like. I have never really been close or trusted anyone. Instead I keep to myself. Much better that way so I can protect myself.

My mom, I guess she was just doing the best she could. I knew she didn’t like me as a child. I was treated like shit at home and school. I hated myself and always just wanted to die. I never knew why no one loved me. I always wanted love. I wondered why no one liked me. I became cold and mean. Awkward and hateful. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I strive everyday to change. Sometimes I do slip up, but then that’s when I pick myself up and start over again.

I just wanted to hug my sister because I can tell she is still hurting from the damage my mom used to do to her. She has alot of issues that she needs to work out in therapy. She said my mom used to hurt her feelings telling her those nasty things. What would possess someone to do that to siblings? Why did my mom hate me so much?

One time she wanted some cereal. We had two milk jugs in the fridge. One just had a little bit of milk in it. Instead of her using up the milk and opening the other one, she waited for me to use up the milk and open the other one. Then she brought her fat lazy ass in there and fixed her bowl. She sleeps all the fucking time. I’m just like why are you so fucking sleepy? She goes to school, makes average/below average grades, comes home, and goes right to sleep. I wanted her to watch my son while I ran to get groceries for dinner and pick up my daughter, nope she’s tired. Bitch why are you so fucking tired? All she does is it small portions of food, large portions of junk, sleep, and that’s it. Why are you tired? I mean obviously the junk food is making her tired. Weighing her down, but no one listens to me. I just need to vent cause I am so tired of people saying, I’m tired I’m tired, Well shit i’m FUCKING TIRED TOO, but I  make it.

Well I don’t really talk to Real that much. I still like him, but for some reason he’s not really sweating me like normal guys. I did someting freaky with M last night and this nigga betrayed my trust. So I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t think I will talk to him for awhile.

I haven’t really had time to blog lately. I am always tired. I don’t sleep good AT ALL at night. I have hope for a new kind of job. I am going to be looking into things soon. My brother is still pissing me off. Ugh, I just don’t understand what goes on in that little brain of his. I might blog some more later as my mind was just flooded with thoughts and I forgot where I was going with this post. Laterz

Why do I even care. It’s so petty and stupid to even think this shit, but it’s bothering me. I loved him so much. I don’t want no one else to have him.

he wants to be with me, but do I want to be with him? Am i just lonely? Will I feel different when someone else comes along? I sure I will. Why can’t I just get it together? My life is just so UGh right now. I look around and everyone else seems to have it all. I just want happiness. Why am I so miserable? Why don’t I have friends? Why don’t people like me? I think I hate myself. I feel like no one likes me and hates me too.

It’s like so weird. My emotions are up and down from day to day. I really want to go to beauty school. I dream about it everyday. I REALLY want a job and money. I dream of nice clothes for me and my kids. Eating out, toys for my kids, anything they want. I want the big body, flashy car with the rims. i just want it so bad. I go out and try and get it and get rejected and it really gets me down. I know I’m not suppossed to let it but it does. It’s got to be the depression.

If I get the job, I can save the money, to go to the school I want. Except only I am not getting the job. I need a program on my computer so that I can do a resume. Free shit ain’t for shit. Guess that’s why it’s free. I really want to spruce up my resume. I think I will get more bites. I just get so down. I need help. Wish I would have paid more attention in high school now. All that free help is gone.

Bout to step out. NO called and has the good so I’ma go let my mind go to the sky, possibly get laid. Depends on how I feel when I see him.

Sexy Thug had his sister call me while he was on another line and he wants me to write him. I think I will always love him. I can only be his friend though and just support him and show him love from a distance though.

Drock sent me DD some pics of him. He looks good. Still got the cute baby face like MOI. He actually is looking better although I wish he would gain some weight. That is not cute to me anymore. I don’t like scrawny bony ass men. Real is so big. He’s an inch shorter than Drock yet I feel so small around him. I want to go see him again so bad. I wonder why he’s not on it like other men. I bet when/if I do snag him. I’ma SNAG him.

Anyways I need a job so bad. I almost got scammed today applying online. The bitches that live next door to me, that mug the shit out of me, they do dress cute. So I wanna make sure I look fly too. I hope my hair is fly this summer. I just redid my braids and my longest layer is to my shoulders. I can’t wait to see what it looks like in a few more wks.After these braids I am taking them all out and it’s back to my hair. I hope it’s warmer by then. I love my hair and I miss it. It’s looking pretty good. Still dry on the ends though.

My blog isn’t doing so hot, but that’s ok. Anyways, I want to make sure I am looking fly this summer because for some strange reason every time I see those bitches I am looking a mess and I start to feel inferior when they are around, and I be damn if I feel inferior around any female, cause I’m fly. My clothes are either too big or too small and I just need to revamp. My hair is on point now I need to get my style up. I can’t wait to. Ugh I just need any job. I am going to go look again some more tonight.

I don’t like them for some reason. They just have this stuck up attitude. Like they just look like they know that they the shit but truth is I am def prettier. So why should I feel the way I feel around them? I don’t know. It is called self esteem for a reason.

I guess I don’t have much else to get off my chest. NO has been trying to see me for a few days now. I was doing my hair though. If he calls I may go see him tonight or just whenever he asks again and I’m not busy. Guess that’s it. The kids are over here making the most noise ever in the tub. I can’t wait to get my own place to. That’s one reason I may move back there if I could. YUP.

He is VERY tall. Way taller than me. And he has a strong muscular build. MMMM. HE is ok in the face. He looks better sometimes more than others, but still nice and I like his smile. I think I am going to move back if me and him hit it off. I really like him. Even though he has 4 kids. I took his braids down for him and I gave him a mean scalp massage. He fell asleep a couple times. It was cute. I would do that for him always. I’d make sure his shit was on point.

When I left and we hugged he hugged me extra tight. And he even kinda made a noise like MMMMM. You know like MMM MMMM MMM. I’ve heard that noise before. That’s when I started liking him. I can’t stop thinkin about him and I can’t wait to talk to him. I get a vibe from him and I want to pursue it. I don’t want to scare him away though.So I’ma try to be lax about it. But I REALLY REALLY like him.

The best thing about the night we all chilled was it was fun. Snow White’s man left so it was me, her, and my Real. We was all fucked up and just chilling, joking, laughing, and being nosey. Someone had got arrested across the street from her and we were all out the window lol. It was funny and fun. We were up mad late too. I didn’t want the night to end. I didn’t want to leave either. Talking to him and spending time with him made me forget all about M and our drama. When Real came over that night M was supposed to be picking our son up to spend one more night with him. Just so happend a few seconds after he came in M comes knocking on the door. M is SOOOO much smaller than Real lol, but you could tell M was a little jealous of Real even though he had his girl in the car with him. The next day M and me talked. I can tell he still loves me and I could still be with him right now if I just said the words, but nope he betrayed me. He let his girl read my shit and he even told his bitch ass mom. I can’t stand his mom. He made me look like a fool when he knows damn well he acts crazy too. I don’t know if my heart can heal from that. I am not going to be able to talk and share with him anymore. He will be sharing it with his bitch and I don’t like that. She is ok with her thin relaxed hair, she’s prettier in the face then I expected but she’s still not me.

Either way it goes I am happy me and Real and Snow White chilled because now I could careless about what M is doing and with who. It’s crazy that even after all this time Real is still excited to see me or still wants to see me. It was crazy cause I went to use the bathroom and I came out talking to Snow White and he was in the kitchen. He gave me a hug before he left. He likes Snow White too and doesn’t know why she be stressing about her baby’s dad. I think that’s sweet. I asked him if he has a girl and he said no BUT he does have a friend. It stung a little but it’s all good too. I feel something with him. SW thinks he likes me too. Anyways enough rambling I am just so excited about him and I hope we keep in touch enough until I can come out there. Another thing I liked about him was he wasn’t tryna fuck me. He laid on me but neva crossed the line. UGH. I am tryna not to fall too deep right now. Until next time.

It’s ok though. I swear I am going to start praying. I used to pray and be able to feel God and had a relationship with him. Now I can barely recognize myself. I need to get into God and my kids and get that straight. I am so serious right now. I am so tired of living like this. When I see M on Wednesday I really do want to talk to him. Alone. I will let him know that. I am lonely and bored with no friends. He seems to have it all and I am jealous but I shouldn’t be. I should be happy for him.

I hate when I get like that. It’s cool though kinda cause he is crazy too. He doesn’t get like how I did as far as what I did tonight but he has done some other crazy ass shit. CRAZY. Actually we still equal in different ways. Anyways like someone said I am just lonely and thinking of all the good we had and not the bad. There is a  reason we aren’t together. I must not forget that.

I decided that I am going to really start trying to have more respect for myself. I am so tired of this life I am living. I have changed alot. But I still have alot more changing to do. I have to start somewhere though.